I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
