I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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