did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
