I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Nicole vs. Life
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
