dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
