I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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