Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
