Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
