my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
