hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
