Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
