sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
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i came on her dog
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
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Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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