Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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