Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
