I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
