i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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