why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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