I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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