The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
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You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
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When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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