Duck Duck Cougar?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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