i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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