that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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