I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it's like heaven, but drunker
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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