Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
