ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
