she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
