I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
