Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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