My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
