God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
