Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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