there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
