Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
