Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
