in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
