oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
