So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
then he tried to convert me to islam
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
