did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
