When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
