I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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