O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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