Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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