I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
