I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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