I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
