I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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