i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
