so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
