one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
