Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
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And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
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First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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