im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
