My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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