Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
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She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
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You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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