Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize