Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
