Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
