I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
okay pat passed out under dana's car
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Randomize
