"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
