Barsexuality is the new black.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
