What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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